Now things are a bit different. For those of you not on Facebook that stop by here, I am currently on extended sick leave for awhile due to a work related trauma. I had been working with a challenging family, and on just before Christmas, there was an accidental infant death. The family fell apart, and I wasn't much better. I had been assaulted by the father the previous month, and the parents had been pretty verbally abusive at times. Until the death, I had been managing the stress well enough, but it seems it was an accumulation of trauma as well as some key events that led to my current state. I began suffering anxiety and panic attacks that were just out of control so took a few days off. Those few days turned into a week, and then another week, and now I've been off since the 18th of December, nearly a month. Interestingly enough, my complete meltdown happened on my father's birthday - December 18th, which is the day before mine on the 19th. December 18th was also the day of the funeral. I can't write further about the case due to confidentiality, however I did want to give a bit of background to what's happening.
I'm currently seeing a psychologist to get this stuff under control, and medication has been helping somewhat. I thought I was ready to go back to work, but after going in for a few hours, another panic attack...so I came home. I'm working on breathing techniques and meditation, so I'm hopeful, but right now, it's very challenging. There are several triggers, and I don't always see them coming, which has been a bit scary for me, not being in control. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced a panic attack or have lived with anxiety, but it is quite unpleasant. For me, it starts with a heavy feeling sitting on my chest, and then my breathing becomes troubled, almost like an asthma attack - I feel like I can't get enough air, and then the tremors and shakiness start, and I feel like I want to jump out of my own skin. I nearly hyperventilate, and then I start crying, sometimes sobbing out loud. For a control freak like me, it is very distressing not being able to stop it. I'm hoping with time, the breathing exercises will help, as well as the medication, and therapy.
Today has been a bad day. It should have been simple - I headed out to do a bit of shopping at the mall up the road from me. I was fine in the grocery store and fruit market, no issues. Then I went to the craft store Lincraft (like Michael's but with fabric too) and while wandering around looking for what I needed, I walked through the scrapbooking supplies. Then without any warning, I began feeling very anxious and had to get the hell out of there, barely made it to my car before the panic attack came on and I was sitting in my car in the parking lot sobbing. WTF? I think it was a trigger for me to see the supplies - I had briefly thought about my own supplies, of which I had quite a bit, but lost all of them in the house fire in 2009-10 (New Year's Eve). I've been depressed from time to time about the losses in the fire, and haven't had the heart to build up my craft supplies again, particularly the scrapbooking stuff. My question is this though, why now? Why today? I've been in dozens of craft stores since the fire, usually for knitting supplies, and have not had any issues whatsoever. I wonder if it was because of my very vulnerable state at the moment, and because I have never really dealt with the losses that came with the fire and in fact, the losses that came in that 4 month period. The death of my father in September, the closure of Grand Bruit decision in October, and then losing nearly everything I owned in the fire on New Year's Eve. Who really knows? The mind is so complex. Then I went out a little while ago just to pick up milk and a pizza. Nearly fell apart, anxiety swamped me, and I have no idea why. What possible triggers could be at IGA and Pizza Hut? All I know is I barely made it home without falling apart, though I did have quite a bit of anxiety in the car, cried a little, some hyperventilating. Weird.
I'm off until early February as it stands now, unless my psychologist thinks I'm ready sooner. I'm seeing him weekly for now, so hoping to make progress. Now the question comes - how to fill that time. For the first few weeks, I was quite a mess, so didn't do much more than watching television and knitting.
Now I have a new passion - I found out I can take my pension funds with me when I leave Australia. I just have to prove that I've left, and they will tax them, and then release them. I should get about $20,,000 which I then plan to invest in a tiny house on wheels. My short term plan is to park it in Edmonton where I'll be living for the next few years, and then possibly look at working only for 6 months of the year in Canada and then tow that tiny house down south to escape the Canadian winters. I should be able to make enough in 6 months to live on for the rest of the year, especially if I don't have rent or a car payment to make. My friends are giving the Karma van back to me, so I'll have a vehicle to drive. Stay tuned for developments with the tiny house. I will be either starting a new blog when I get back or revisiting one of my old blogs, Under the Sky. I usually start a new one with each new adventure, so we shall see. Maybe I'll call it my Prairie Prattles or something like that. It is the last area of Canada that I haven't lived in - the prairies. I've lived on each coast, in the middle (Ontario) and in the frozen north (Yukon and NWT) but never on the prairies. Of the 13 provinces and territories, I've lived in 7 of them and visited 12 of them. Nunavut is the only one I haven't traveled to, but that may come if I look at term work.
Now just because he is so darn cute and has been such comfort during this rough patch, here is a photo of Dundee!
