Patience is a Virtue...and Sometimes Very Hard

So I've been off work for the past several weeks due to trauma/stress at work as I wrote in my last post. I've been seeing my psychologist weekly and working through the issues, however it has not been an easy ride. For anyone who has ever been diagnosed with a mental illness, you will understand that recovery is not on any timetable. I know this but yet I struggle. Up until yesterday, I had not had a panic attack or any anxiety symptoms for two weeks, so went back to my doc and told her I was ready to return to work. We then hammered out a return to work plan that would gradually see me back at full-time work. Management decided that it didn't make sense to reallocate my cases back to me given I would not be full time until early March and I am finishing up in April. Initially I was a bit miffed about this, feeling like it was a punishment for being unwell, however I understand the reasoning, and once I had time to think about it, I don't mind as much. Let someone else deal with the verbal abuse from clients, and deal with the red tape. So instead I will be finishing up my own paperwork, notes, and filing and then supporting my team with their paperwork. If you 've ever worked in government, you know just how much paperwork there is. We kill trees daily.

So I was feeling pretty good about returning to work next week, and felt happy that I had finally turned a corner and the anxiety was gone. Then yesterday happened. The day started out fine - it was payday and I needed a new battery for my car. There is a auto repair shop right across the street from me, so off I went to buy my battery. They wanted to charge me $44 to jump start my car so I could bring it across the street to have them install my battery...um, no way man, I can install a battery. How hard could that be? Turns out Toyota had more in store for me. The last time I replaced a car battery, all that was required was to disconnect the leads and lift it out, replacing it with a new one. Not so with my Rav 4. There is a bracket holding it in, and the bracket is connected to an engine shield that needed to come off first. The engine shield was secured by severall little fasteners that I couldn't quite work out initially, even with the owner's manual. I finally managed to sort that out, only to discover they had sold me the wrong battery. So off across the street I went again, lugging my battery. The terminals were on the wrong side and the leads would not reach them. Back again with the leads, and put it all back together until I got to the fasteners. They wouldn't secure in - first I thought I must have broken them all but after some trial and error, profanity, and dumb luck, I figured them out and secured it all back in. The car started right up and I was happy. Until I realized that all of my electronics had to be reset - the clocks, the stereo, and my bluetooth. The clocks were easy as were the presets for the radio, but the bluetooth was an absolute bitch. After nearly 30 minutes of stuffing around with it, I could not get it to work properly. The display said it was paired but it wasn't working. That's when hell broke loose. For whatever reason, this prompted an absolute tantrum - there I sat in my car in the parking lot of my building, SCREAMING and crying, nearly hysterical and out of control. WTF? Over a stupid thing like bluetooth. I managed to finally collect myself and gave up on the stupid bluetooth and started out for the shopping centre for some groceries and other things. 

Within minutes of entering the store, my anxiety began to rise..pounding heart, struggling to breathe easy, tears welling up, shaking hands and unsteady gait. WTF again? It's a bloody grocery store - what on earth was the possible trigger this time? I tried the breathing techniques my psychologist had shown me, but it was too late - the horse was out of the barn.  I managed to speed through the rest of the shopping, and got the hell out of there and sat down in the mall. I still needed to go to the fruit and vegetable market at the mall, so tried to collect my shit once again so I could at least finish up. Several minutes later I was able to get up and enter the fruit market, whipped through my shopping there but the panic was rising again and I barely made it out to my car. Sat in the car for several minutes, sobbing like a baby, unsure what the hell was going on. Several cars stopped to wait for me to pull out, thinking I was leaving so they could take my space. I ignored them all. I finally left the parking garage and headed home, sobbing all the way. 

So that was the morning...I decided to take a valium that the doctor had given me but I hadn't felt the need to take until now, and laid down for a nap. When I woke up, the anxiety had settled some and the afternoon was uneventful, that is until I left for my psychologist appointment. He sees me at three different locations, and the one I had to go to yesterday was a bit tricky to find. My GPS on my phone kept taking me to the wrong place, so I had to call the office for additional directions. Enter hysterics...Australia is big on roundabouts, and Melbourne is big on confusing roadways. Sometimes a given roundabout can have 5 or 6 exits, with 2-3 lanes shooting off everywhere. Then there are crosswalks partway through, or right before, or right after, and divided roadways, with slipways off each side. I was in rush hour traffic, and utterly lost. I fell apart on the phone to the receptionist, like litterally fell apart - sobbing hysterically, couldn't breathe, worried I was going to smash into someone while I fumbled around trying to find the office. I had left in plenty of time but now I was going to be very late. I was hyperventilating, shaking, crying, and god only knows what I said. I finally managed to find the office with the receptionist's help, and stumbled into my session an absolute mess. I sobbed all the way through my session, choking and gasping for air while he tried to calm me, and debrief about it all. What a damn mess I was. 

All in all, it was an exhausting rough day. Just when I thought I was making progress, I relapsed big time. Now I am worried that I am going back to work too early.  I've since talked it through and reckon I need to slow down and stop trying to race through my recovery, or my life. Mindfuless is such a valuable thing, and after a cuppa this morning with a good friend, he informed me that my mind is in overdrive at the moment and I need to slow it down. He told me it was as obvious as a dog's balls...hilarious. So thhen I thought about it, and I don't know about you, but I have fallen into what could be a troubling behaviour of multitasking through my life. Such  as when I'm at home watching tv. I'm not just sitting down watching television and that is all I am focused on. In this modern age of social media and eletronics, what used to be a single activity has become only a component of how that period of time is spent. I'm also knitting something, playing a game on my iPad or checking Facebook, reading emails, chatting with someone online, texting someone on my phone, cooking and eating supper, and playing with the cat. And many nights I'm also thinking about the families I work with. I've become too efficient at living my life and it is overwhelming me. Whoa there...