34 Days and Counting

Well, the time is drawing near for my flight home to Canada. Just 34 days before I land in Halifax. I cannot friggin wait. It has been a very rough patch these past few months, but with just under 5 weeks until I leave, there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

As some of you are aware, I have been struggling with PTSD these past few months and have not been back to work full-time since before Christmas. The road has been rough, and I've felt so very isolated and alone here in Australia, so far from family and long-time friends. The road to recovery has been bumpy and I'm just not sure where that road will take me or if I will be the same person I used to be, or if I want to be that person again. What I do know is that I am not likely to ever work in child protection again, and I'm not sure I even want to work or can work as a social worker again anytime soon. So I will be looking at some other options upon my return to Canada, and will be weighing them all. For those of you who have sent well wishes, kind thoughts, a quick hello, or a long thoughtful message, thank-you. Your support has been very much appreciated. 

Now that I'm on the home stretch, there is still so much to do - I have to find a home for Dundee, sell/return my car, finish selling off the rest of my stuff, mail my boxes home, call to cancel all of my services, organize to do something with my mail, and so on, and so on, and so on. I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be landing at Halifax airport riight now, however the east coast is still being battered by snowstorms, so I'm much rather be here in Australia for a little while longer to enjoy the sand and sun. I have had one apartment sale, and sold a bunch of stuff on Gumtree, but there are still piles and piles of stuff left to go. I've given a great deal away, and there have been many people looking for something for nothing, as usual. I'm currently trying to sell my sewing machine and people are trying to make me feel like they are doing me a favor by offering me a fraction of my selling price. I bought it 3 years ago half priced for $150 and am selling it for $75 with $60 as my lowest price. Someone got quite shitty with me when I wouldn't take $30 for it. The machine is in excellent condition and looks brand new, with the box and manual. WTF, I'm not running a fucking charity here. I'm trying to raise money to live on back home, and I'm not willing to just give shit away all the time. I'll just be glad when it's all done and all that is left here is my suitcase and backpacks and what fits in them. I reckon I'll pick up an air mattress for the final week as I'll need to move on my sofa and bed - they are the last big items, besides my fridge. I can do without the fridge in the last week as I'll just snack and eat out. There are shops and restaurants within walking distance here so easy as. 

It has been hard to let go of everything - it isn't a materialistic feeling, but just yet another loss. I'm sitting in my near empty apartment that has been stripped of all paintings, photos, posters, etc - in other words, personality. The only things left on the wall are my map of Australia and a photo I rescued from my desk at work of Cinq Cerf. The rest at my office were ruined when they ripped them all off the walls in my absence, but that's a story for another day. I'm still so very angry about it and will wait until I leave the country for that tale of woe. 

The days have often been long and seemingly endless. Cabin fever is real, but it has been a battle of cabin fever versus anxiety. As much as I am tired of this tiny apartment, I'm not always in the mood to leave the apartment and get rather anxious about it at times, and in the end, just stay home. I don't want to have a panic attack in public again, and feel very vulnerable when I'm out and about. It may well be an ongoing battle, but I sure hope it improves when I get back on Canadian soil. 

So that's the latest. I may post about a few road trips I've taken this past month but for now, I'm off to bed, glad to see the end of another lonesome day at home with kitty.

Gumtree Sucess

I began selling off my belongings through an online service popular in Australia called Gumtree. Very much like our Kijiji back home. I was able to sell all of the furniture easily so far. I have only bare bones left now, my sofa, bed, television and camping tables/chairs, and my coffee table. I've bad people traipsing through my apartment for weeks as I sold as much as I could to those who stepped inside. I'm only mailing back 3-4 boxes to Canada, and the rest will have to fit in my suitcase and backpack. So that leaves me with a WHOLE lot of household stuff. I feel like I am living in a yard sale, with boxes and bins of stuff everywhere. I've packed all the artwork, so the walls are very bare. I've left my map of Australia up as I'm going to take that on the plane with me so I can show my mother where I've travelled. 

It is an emotional thing to let go of one's things. Some items, no worries, move that shit on. but others that just made me feel happy, like my blue cabinet I found in an antique store in Victoria, BC. And  my sofa. I just love my comfy sofa. I'll be reduced to clothing and souvenirs for the most part, awaiting my next home to settle into. I'll be spending two months on the east coast, sharing my time among my friends and relatives. Then off to Vancouver Island to spend the summer living in the Karma van again, based in Victoria. I will at least be able have my own bed and space in the Karma van. I remember sleeping quite well in there. I'll be living out of my suitcase and backpack for about 4-6 momths depending on when I am able to pick up a bus and get to work on my winter home. 

Surrounded by the piles and boxes of stuff is hard for me. I prefer things to be organized, tidy, and aestically pleasing. The only thing in my bedroom is my bed and a milk crate with my lamp on it. The sooner this part is completed, the better. I'm planning on an apt sale sometime next month to move the last of it all on and I'll get by with my sofa, fridge, and a place setting of dishes. I cannot wait to get settled into my completed tiny house bus with everything in it's place again, surrounded by those favorite things that remind me of the adventures I've been through. I've tried to keep my souvenirs to a collectable standard - not too heavy or big, and easy to transport. So I have a lot of tiny figurines made of metal and stone, paintings and cloths for the walls, and a small collection of books. Then of course there is my jewelry/ While my collection is not worth any great thousands needing insuring. they are a a variety of stones, crafted glass, and other interesting bits, like a piece of a topographical map with tiny golden flake attached to the map where it was found and enclosed in a tiny glass box. My daughter has given me most of them, and she always seems to know what to get me. I lost a few in the fire, but she has more than made up for it since then. I saw a neat way to store my necklaces behind a box-framed artwork on hinges. I'll be searching for the most space saving ideas in the bus. 

I'm still off from work. It has been a rough road, hardest I've travelled in many years, but I am still standing and determined to look after myself and have been doing a great deal of soul searching these past months. I try to explore somewhere new when I can, but it hasn't been as easy as it once was. I did go hiking in the Grampians to a place called The Pinnacle, and was quite proud of myself for making it to the summit in spite of my asthma, poor fitness. and anxiety. Then of course I rolled my foot on the way down. I scrabbled the last bit before it began to swell as I did not want to be stuck on the mountain! I saw several lizards scampering about, many birds hunting from the sky, and a handful of other hikers.