As some of you are aware, I have been struggling with PTSD these past few months and have not been back to work full-time since before Christmas. The road has been rough, and I've felt so very isolated and alone here in Australia, so far from family and long-time friends. The road to recovery has been bumpy and I'm just not sure where that road will take me or if I will be the same person I used to be, or if I want to be that person again. What I do know is that I am not likely to ever work in child protection again, and I'm not sure I even want to work or can work as a social worker again anytime soon. So I will be looking at some other options upon my return to Canada, and will be weighing them all. For those of you who have sent well wishes, kind thoughts, a quick hello, or a long thoughtful message, thank-you. Your support has been very much appreciated.
Now that I'm on the home stretch, there is still so much to do - I have to find a home for Dundee, sell/return my car, finish selling off the rest of my stuff, mail my boxes home, call to cancel all of my services, organize to do something with my mail, and so on, and so on, and so on. I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be landing at Halifax airport riight now, however the east coast is still being battered by snowstorms, so I'm much rather be here in Australia for a little while longer to enjoy the sand and sun. I have had one apartment sale, and sold a bunch of stuff on Gumtree, but there are still piles and piles of stuff left to go. I've given a great deal away, and there have been many people looking for something for nothing, as usual. I'm currently trying to sell my sewing machine and people are trying to make me feel like they are doing me a favor by offering me a fraction of my selling price. I bought it 3 years ago half priced for $150 and am selling it for $75 with $60 as my lowest price. Someone got quite shitty with me when I wouldn't take $30 for it. The machine is in excellent condition and looks brand new, with the box and manual. WTF, I'm not running a fucking charity here. I'm trying to raise money to live on back home, and I'm not willing to just give shit away all the time. I'll just be glad when it's all done and all that is left here is my suitcase and backpacks and what fits in them. I reckon I'll pick up an air mattress for the final week as I'll need to move on my sofa and bed - they are the last big items, besides my fridge. I can do without the fridge in the last week as I'll just snack and eat out. There are shops and restaurants within walking distance here so easy as.
It has been hard to let go of everything - it isn't a materialistic feeling, but just yet another loss. I'm sitting in my near empty apartment that has been stripped of all paintings, photos, posters, etc - in other words, personality. The only things left on the wall are my map of Australia and a photo I rescued from my desk at work of Cinq Cerf. The rest at my office were ruined when they ripped them all off the walls in my absence, but that's a story for another day. I'm still so very angry about it and will wait until I leave the country for that tale of woe.
The days have often been long and seemingly endless. Cabin fever is real, but it has been a battle of cabin fever versus anxiety. As much as I am tired of this tiny apartment, I'm not always in the mood to leave the apartment and get rather anxious about it at times, and in the end, just stay home. I don't want to have a panic attack in public again, and feel very vulnerable when I'm out and about. It may well be an ongoing battle, but I sure hope it improves when I get back on Canadian soil.
So that's the latest. I may post about a few road trips I've taken this past month but for now, I'm off to bed, glad to see the end of another lonesome day at home with kitty.
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